News arrives from one of the most media couples on the planet, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. On both sides of the Atlantic, the tabloids speculate: she is rearming for a new assault on the Windsors, he feels palace homesickness and, most often repeated, the two need to mark their respective spaces. Taking the language of social networks, perhaps the expression that would best define your state would be Ick! (kind of like yuck!). Let’s not be alarmed, everything requires an explanation and it is very common in long-term relationships.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry They spent their long and sweet honeymoon, moved to Montecito to fulfill their life expectations and, about to reach the seven years of marriagethey could be going through that turning point so common in relationships. Around the seventh year, a severe crisis occurs due to wear and tear, stress and disappointment. The pink halo that surrounded the couple begins to fade and the first element that suffers is sex. From love to that rejection that comes in the form of Ick! There is a barely perceptible step.
Apparently everything is fine, but suddenly a gesture that previously seemed cute becomes annoying. It is also known as sudden repulsion syndrome. There is no clear reason that can be attributed to this sexual decline. Although the trigger is minor, it is the consequence of a situation of boredom or the need to redefine oneself separately, but without reaching a formal separation. The best thing in these cases is to mark a distance that allows you to miss each other as much as you miss each other now. If done well, the relationship will be strengthened.
The psychologist Antoni Bolinches, author of The wise sexcalls it sexual savings. That is, if only one of the two desires the other, the best thing they can do is “save a part of their desire, because otherwise they run the risk of running out of stock.” In sexuality, it is as bad to fall short as to go too far.. “Given the choice, excess always harms more than defect, because while excess consumes desire, defect feeds it.”
During this time of physical distance, each person reflects on their attitude and defines what causes them rejection. In that own space there is time to think, rest or resume those activities that one neglects when living as a couple. The result is well-being that has an impact on the relationship, strengthening the bond.
The problem is when only one wants to get away and that need awakens jealousyloss of confidence or discomfort. For Bolinches, the key is communication and balancing interests to continue growing as people, but without neglecting the relationship. Meanwhile, the worst attitude that one can have with their partner is sexual harassment and insistence. It is preferable to limit yourself to a warm contact and an emotional approach that will grow naturally as each person gains self-confidence. From this emotional union it is easier for the desire, physical search and impulse for an intimate relationship to be reborn. All of this is important when there is commitment and interest in maintaining the marital bond, regardless of the ups and downs.
To give oneself this individual space, it is necessary to speak and lose modesty to discuss uncomfortable issues.. Behind that something that triggers the “Ick!”, a prelude to physical rejection, there may be frequent arguments, cooling of the relationship due to neglect, anxiety over daily or financial problems, a bodily change in one of the two, an illness, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus or differences in sexual appetite.
Bolinches also mentions the lack of ability to distinguish privacy and intimacy. “This confusion is responsible for one of the main sources of the deterioration of libido in stable couples. By overlapping the concepts, the mistake is made of considering that intimate life should encompass things that should be part of the private sphere.” This is the case of people who confuse trust with lack of respect and behave indecently in the presence of their partner with the argument that there is trust. And we already know that, sometimes, where there is trust there is also Ick!
It is worth delimiting that physical and temporal space in which one assesses how their sexual desire has evolved, how their body and that of their partner has transformed or any other matter that they consider of interest. Once you identify and accept these changes, the next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. It can be an opportunity to recover lost enthusiasm and enrich our sexual life with new forms of pleasure and connection.
“It takes a balance between what we want to do, what we can afford and what we can accept”, indicates Bolinches. The psychologist insists that the couple requires multiple care to survive, since in addition to the compatibility of characters and a more or less convergent life project, it is also necessary that there is a level of harmony sufficient to satisfy both without reaching to saturate none.
There are couples that, instead of giving each other that opportune space, over time agree on a relationship that the American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg calls empty love. That is to say, love without intimacy or passion. Only mutual commitment to maintain the union, very far from what he considers the ideal, consummate love, in which there is intimacy, commitment and passion. The problem is that without kisses, caresses and intimate encounters it is difficult for the relationship to progress. If it is also unilateral, it generates a lot of frustration in the other person.