The erotic fantasy of summer, par excellence, is that of living a love, an adventure, a affair May it end with the heat, the end of the holidays and the return to routine and the usual home. A fairly easy fantasy to realize; unlike most sexual daydreams, which almost never materialize to the consumer’s liking.
It is difficult to reach a certain life trajectory and not record one of these episodes that have immortalized cinema, literature and even music. The trip or exotic destination that, without asking for it, gives a body to love. Theme of movies like summer madness (1955) or Before dawn (1995). Or, on the contrary, work or lack of money that prevents us from going on vacation and keeps us in the big city that, mercifully, consoles us with an idyll, like Manhattan does in Temptation lives above (1955) or Madrid in The Virgin of August (2019).
Travel only accentuates this hedonism. Changing habitat completely, being in a place where no one knows us nor, surely, will see us again, gives a feeling of freedom, of detachment. What happens in Cuba, Mexico, Amsterdam or Rome will stay in those places; but we are not the same in new scenarios either. The majority undergoes a small metamorphosis that allows them to explore other facets of their personality; surely more daring and adventurous.
“The best thing about summer love affairs or dalliances is that, on a sexual level, we free ourselves a lot,” says Gloria Arancibia Clavel, a psychologist and sexologist with a consultation in Madrid. “There is no prospect of looking for a stable partner, nor of commitment, it is not even necessary for us to like the other person too much or to meet all our expectations. It is a good disinhibition exercise, very beneficial for sexual activity and desire. I always say in consultation that it would be good to look at and analyze the circumstances that have led to that attitude, and then try to imitate them, when we return to ordinary life, to the responsibilities, to the demands and standards that we maintain the rest of the year.
As in a representation of yin and the Yangthe good thing about summer adventures – the intensity – couldn’t exist without the bad – the expiration date. “The affairs summer holidays have the advantage that, being limited in time, you only experience the initial phase, that of falling in love, where everything is beautiful, spontaneous, passionate, as happens at the beginning of a relationship,” says Raúl González Castellanos, sexologist, Psychopedagogue and couples therapist at the therapeutic support office A la Par, in Madrid. “There is no time to move on to the other phase, because most people’s vacations are reduced to two or three weeks. Hopefully a month. In fact, there are those who get hooked on this model and are always looking for a summer hookup; which denotes immaturity, a certain Peter Pan syndrome and a fear of commitment,” explains this sexologist.
Because of technology, they are no longer what they were
But technology has put an end to these shooting stars; which, in the worst case scenario, can become the eternal “almost something”. “Summer loves are no longer what they were, because social networks and the internet keep us in contact with each other, even if they are at the opposite ends,” González Castellanos emphasizes. “In many cases, that story that should end, even if it was with some sadness, is prolonged and, instead of being a good memory, it becomes a long-distance relationship, which will gradually lose strength and shine. Although there is also the possibility that it will be consolidated, and end up in a stable relationship or in a discontinuous relationship. For example, seeing the summers in the town, and the rest of the year everyone at their own pace.”
Clara (Palma de Mallorca, 39 years old) admits that she wasted a lot of time with a affair whom he met in London, during a month in which he lived in the British capital doing a training course. “When I look back on my relationship, I think it would have been less painful if we had broken up when I left England. That would be a good memory, but we were very hooked and we didn’t want to lose that passion. The idea of living together here or there was impossible, because neither of them wanted to give up their working lives. So the trips began, the video calls, the desire to see each other again and then the jealousy, the uncertainty, the feeling of losing time and of being on a path that was going nowhere,” Clara recalls.
The idea of reliving passion once a year, for vacation, plot of the great film by Billy Wilder What happened between my father and your mother? (1972), although tempting, is not suitable for all audiences. Nor was it for Clara, who experienced the breakup as a liberation. “The initial enthusiasm had already subsided. Rather, it was a succession of problems and arguments with few good moments. And being in that long-distance relationship prevented me from meeting another person,” confesses this Mallorcan woman.
The art of keeping the good
Although in matters of heart and emotions it is not always easy to follow rules, having a love on vacation does not have to be equivalent to suffering temporary madness. You can enjoy it and, at the same time, keep your feet on the ground, especially if you already have some experience. “Above all, you have to live them and savor them,” advises González Castellanos, “give yourself permission to let yourself go, to be another. See ourselves from that different perspective, as happy, carefree beings, squeezing out life; Even if it is only for a few weeks a year, because this is good exercise.” And he adds: “At the same time, you have to be sincere, with yourself and with the other person. Do not create false expectations. We are no longer going to enjoy disguising reality. Quite the opposite.”
In the words of Gloria Arancibia, “we have to learn to keep the good and minimize the bad. Summer meetings bring a lot of freshness, joy of life, sexual and emotional learning, improve our self-esteem and increase the store of happy memories, which will help us a lot in difficult times or in old age, because they will confirm that we have lived and have experienced the joy and even happiness. But summer loves also have their sad side, the farewell, the brevity, the impossibility of seeing each other again. Although some may be the prelude to a stable relationship, you have to give them time and see how things evolve. It is not good to make hasty decisions during vacation times, when everything seems idyllic to us. It’s like when you’re on a remote island and you’re considering staying all year round, do you really think it’s possible? Can you take your work there or find another one? Would you endure the winter in an almost deserted place? Well, the same thing happens with relationships.”
At airports you see farewells typical of the best of tragedies. Cries, kisses, promises of calls and messages. The price of this vertigo, small but intense, is a few weeks of nostalgia, sadness, constant viewing of images of happy days and disgust for everything around us. The good thing is that, unlike traumas or family problems, which we carry with us for life if we do not solve them, the disappointments of love heal quickly.
“We make needs out of desires, and the need becomes self-demand,” explains Arancibia. “Currently, there is very little tolerance for failure, frustration, sadness; But life is not a bed of roses, there are also moments of sorrow, in which, generally, we learn a lot and forge tools for the future. We may want to go to the Caribbean on vacation, but if we can’t afford it financially, that’s okay. We will go another time.”